Today I Eased my own Worries

I saw the boy I wanted to be my tenant today, and he loves the room and not only wants to live in it for one month during summer, but he also wants to store a few of his belongings there after school and is willing to pay me for that month as well, without living there!

We agreed if I got him a bed as well, he would be willing to pay 800 for the month he is living there, which takes off so much from that single month of rent. I’m so relieved.


I hate how stressed out money makes me, and it makes me too anxious to think about jobs or the future or being financially responsible for myself. Grades and academics is so straightforward… I can’t imagine doing anything else…

This summer I am going to probably work for my cousin and her fiance during weddings as things, and babysit so I can make a little extra spending cash for the school year. Also my birthday is coming up, so I don’t really need to worry about money for myself for quite awhile… and when I do, I really don’t think I need a lot, other than food. 

Until then, I will try and prepare myself for living in the future. Learn to be alone, so I’m never lonely, kind of thing.


This Week I move into a New Place

I still am stuck on my lease at my current place for another month, which sucks, but I can’t help. My parent’s have told me over and over not to worry, and to stay focused on my final projects. I’m so incredibly lucky that I don’t need to worry about things, that I’m going to try extra hard to finish my assignments and not let them down!

Nen and I went to the apartment this morning, after yummy breakfast with Tim and we started reminiscing about our imagined futures. I feel like a little kid, playing ‘house’, in a plastic replica or something. It’s exciting and surreal. It’s not that the apartment is incredibly cool (although, it’s moderately cool!), I’m used to it since it’s the same model I’ve been subleasing from landlords in the same neighborhood. It’s just has a different feel to it, because I know the people I’m going to be living with, the ‘hello’s and ‘see you later’s will seem sincere.

I won’t have to wait until midnight, when they’re asleep, to quietly do dishes by myself.

I’ve been a bit of a recluse lately, since I’ve come to college. I’ve lived in my own room my whole life, and I know I’m not the friendliest of people. I don’t want the girls I’m living with to regret me, so I’m going to try hard to not be so stubborn…

Also, yesterday I gave blood for the first time. I lied about my weight so they would let me in, which probably ended up being bad because I got really light headed almost passed out. It was a familiar sensation, but to a whole ‘nother degree of scariness. I think it was good to experience that, to help people and feel a false sense of productivity & charity, as well as to learn to limits to my body.


Today I made a to do list

I’ve been wanting to rant about everything in school that I have to do, but it seemed to negative to really put up here. When I made this blog, I had my heart set on just letting it be another outlet for negativity. It was supposed to be progressive, or at least theraputic.

However, it hadn’t really been quelled, so I’ve felt pretty stuck here. I decided not to really look at my workload in a pessimistic way, but writing it down in a way of acknowledging it. You can’t really be too scared of something if you look at it straight on. I think someone slightly older and a lot wiser told me something like that.


For my final project I decided to make stencil photograms. I haven’t stenciled in awhile, but getting back into it isn’t too hard and I’m not too worried about this project, other than what the teacher thinks, because Danny the TA was all over figuring out a fool proof way of doing this. I still have to make all the images though…

  • cut out stencils – this can be done during other class, especially Robotics or during morning Photo or even Western Art.
  • Get more 8×10 paper
  • perhaps frames?
  • print, print, print


Senior expo went really well, although my project was embarrassing. I think I’m going to lower my scope of my project, because it seems a lot cooler to have it just be a disco in a jar, with a snail or something, rather than the audio thing. 

  • research if you can do this to a snail without killing it
  • find a better way to put in lights
  • ask about using open wood rather than glass
  • code, code, code

(did that make sense to anyone like me?)


This is by far the worst class I’ve ever taken. 

  • Just don’t forget about it anymore. Seriously…

Western Art Hist:

  • Take notes during class
  • Study artists’ names


Queer Art Hist:

  • Talk more
  • Read more
  • Stay Positive


Last Week I Visited a Good Friend



For my week-long break from school, as I mentioned earlier, I went down to southern California to visit my family. I spent some time with my mother and father, visited with my doctors, but mostly spent the time with my friend Johnny.

I have a tendency to overflow with pessimism towards my hometown, and this is only increased when I’m there. I don’t have a car, television, or much money to entertain myself with, so I often get really irritable and complain about how much of a ‘black hole’ Encinitas is, which doesn’t really help with people wanting to hang out with me. Johnny has an impressively high tolerance for my negativity though, with his own brand of cynicism, so we spent the majority of the break together.

Recreational activities for us include:

  • teaching me how to take tequila shots
  • watching cartoons with his younger brother
  • getting his Jeep smog-tested
  • pooling our/parents’ money to buy fancy grilled cheese sandwiches and soup

I find it really strange we didn’t talk much in high school, but whenever I bring that up he points out that we’re talking now, and makes me feel silly for living in the past so much. He’s perfected the art of living in the present, which I’m totally envious of but sort of look up to him for. He’s a lot smarter than I am but doesn’t try and make me feel dumb, so I always feel like I’m learning something when I’m around him. I’m a lot better behaved than he is, but being around him makes me question how much that really is worth to me, which I think is a good thing too. It sounds really embarrassing, but I think I really look up to him? Or really respect him? All of that sounds too formal, because he doesn’t make me feel like a side-kick at all…

I guess I really appreciate his point of view on things, because it makes me feel like a better quality of person when I take it into account. I want to be around him because it’s thought/heart/soul nourishing, and I think that’s the difference between ‘liking’ a friend and ‘loving’ them, because I really only feel this for a handful of friends I’ve grown close to these past few years.


When I left to come back up to the city, I felt dully sad for a couple of days, like a little kid who moved away from their old neighborhood or something… I never felt anything close to homesickness before I actually bonded with someone I could turn to when I was down there. (I have a lot of other friends, but we’re separated by jobs and distance now.) Not even ex-boyfriends illicit that kind of sad nostalgia.

Johnny told me not to dwell too much on being sad when I was gone, so I won’t allow myself to be after this post. I have a lot of work to do for uni, and I know he will be working hard as well, so I’ll buck up and try to make everyone back home proud of me when I come back, so I can deserve having such good friends & family. ☆

Today I went on a Road Trip


My father, his mother, and his sister all drove up from their So-Cal origins to pick me up for my spring break back home. Although taking a flight is a lot easier and faster, I always try and find an excuse to drive down and back up for holidays during the school year. 

I ended up only really packing one pair of pants, a skirt, and a couple tops and the rest was photography or painting supplies. They had driven up in a small hybrid car to save gas, so I felt like I had to take up as little room as possible, so I just skimped on clothes. I have a lot of clothes down at my parent’s house, but they’re all sort of dorky high school event tees that I was too embarrassed to bring to uni.

On the way home, we visited my grandma’s boyfriend of 30-something years in the hospital, because he has been having a few mental hallucinations. My dad says it’s Sundown Syndrome and we don’t really know much else, but he seemed really fine to me, although a little paranoid. He kept thinking the other residents were trying to steal his things, and when I hugged him to leave he asked me if I saw the explosion in the sky outside his window. I looked and was really confused, and my grandma yelled at him in her usual way that he was seeing things, and I left with a sad feeling in my stomach. It doesn’t bother me so much that he sees things, but that they are so violent and frightening. He is a veteran and used to be a security guard in the hospital where he met my grandmother, so he has already seen his share of violence and I just…

I don’t know what to do in these situations, where I can’t help and I am just taking up space in a hospital room.

The rest of the drive home was uneventful, and I am now home, sharing the couch with my mother because we missed each other so much to sleep just yet. 


Also, sorry about the image quality in this one. I only brought my netbook down for this break, so posts will probably look more like this, or just be words.

Last night I slept on a feather pillow…

Last night I slept on a feather pillow…which I’m  pretty allergic to, and didn’t realize til the morning.
I always forget to check my hotel pillows so this happens alot more than it should. So right now I’m drunk off the anti-histamine my grandma gave me and being an awful host to my visiting family.

I’m ready for spring break.

Yesterday it rained & today I ate eggs again

Yesterday, in San Francisco, it rained.

This was the exact reason I got a weather-proofed camera when I upgraded from my D40, since some of the most beautiful times in the city and around my school is when it was also the most likely to cause water damage in my camera. My D7000 not only was weatherproofed, but also came with some pretty good video capabilities, that I admittedly haven’t really explored. Since I already have taken way too many various ‘water droplet’ photos, I really wanted to start collecting video clips of raindrops falling on the ground or over windows because it seems like such a key staple for any video library. Cliche, but still not without it’s usefulness for video montages or transitions.

Above is a clip that I converted into a gif, another first for me. It’s far from perfect, but doing this was a pretty good learning experience, because now I can make gifs of any video clips I capture now. And with practice I’m sure to get better!

Today, after a night of watching a thrilling, but scary episode of ‘Sherlock’ ( I get spooked super easily…) I woke up feeling frumpy and sore. I slept in until a couple hours before my first class, went down to my friends’ kitchen, and made myself my usual tea & eggs. I toasted some bread while it was cooking, and decided to make a buttery egg on toast, which I folded up and ate like a sammish.

I only had a single class today, Queer Art History, and we looked at images and then our tests got passed back. I did really well, especially for feeling like I would be lucky if I didn’t fail. Unfortunately, I was so unsure of myself after I initially took it, that I changed my grade to credit/no credit. I guess things could be worse, but now that the deadline for changing it back has passed, I’m really regretting not going to be able to show how well I fully did in such a challenging class. Oh well, I guess I can just focus on enjoying learning so much without the added stress of getting an ‘A+’.

After class ended, I walked home and my good friend Tim to come hang out.

His roommates and my friends from the geekery blog ManaLeaks, Ben and Grant, are busy playing Warhammer 40k, so Tim and I are over in my room waiting it out, and watching Hulu and streaming Disney movies. We’ll reconvene with them once they’re finished and hopefully get to watch the new ‘Community’  episode.